Navigating Perfectionism, People-Pleasing, and Imposter Syndrome

In our pursuit of success and acceptance, we often encounter underlying challenges that go unnoticed.

The 3 P’s – perfectionism, people-pleasing and imposter syndrome –significantly impact our expectations and shape self-perception.

Though these terms are commonly used in everyday language, their implications within clinical psychology are often misunderstood. It is essential to explore and understand their meaning and how they manifest in psychological development.

Imagine a dog named Spot who has just learned the command “sit”, every time Spot follows the command, he is rewarded with a cookie by his owner. Over time, Spot has formed an expectation that compliance with this command will result in a reward. This consistent reinforcement fosters a sense of trust between Spot and his owner, and naturally, he will begin to expect consistency and predictability of his owner’s responses.

But how would this situation be different if Spot was subjected to inconsistent responses and behaviours?

Imagine that one day Spot’s owner comes home from work frustrated and stressed, Spot excitedly greets him at the door, and he is met with the familiar command “sit”.

Spot eagerly obeys, expecting the usual reward but this time his owner kicks him.

Confused and hurt, his expectation is now shattered, and he is left anxious and uncertain as he does not know what he did wrong.

Now imagine the next time Spot’s owner says “Sit”, what will Spot do? Using Spot as an example, we can see how inconsistent parenting can instill anxious and insecure attachment in children. This pattern often begins early in life and can have lasting, long-term effects.

Perfectionism, people-pleasing and imposter syndrome are

traits that are commonly displayed in individuals who, like Spot, experienced inconsistent caregiving leaving them uncertain about their worth and abilities.

Perfectionism

In the mind of a perfectionist, the perception of “perfection” is ever-changing, as if their goalpost is moving every time they go to take a shot. In Spot’s case, when faced with inconsistent rewards, may push himself harder to pinpoint what will earn him approval.

Children subject to inconsistent parenting often develop a similar drive for perfection, adopting a mindset that if they are “good enough” they will receive the approval and

praise they seek. This can foster a dependency on external validation, where success and a sense of accomplishment become contingent on the approval of others.

Imposter Syndrome

Imagine Spot again, who after inconsistent feedback, begins to doubt his ability to follow the rules. This scenario mirrors how a child might feel when subjected to inconsistent parenting. It can result in a pervasive sense of self-doubt, where the child questions their competence and associates their successes with external factors such as human or computer error and even magic rather than their abilities. This can lead to an ongoing and pervasive struggle to internalize achievements and the feeling of being a fraud, despite evidence of their competence, becomes second nature.

People pleasing

People pleasing makes up the last of the 3 P’s. Individuals with people-pleasing tendencies often have a hard time asserting boundaries, saying “no” and have a profound fear of rejection. They frequently seek external validation and attention and will put other’s needs above their own. While being a supportive friend and contributing to others’ well-being are admirable qualities, it crosses into people-pleasing when these actions start compromising one’s own self-esteem and personal well-being. In Spot’s case, he may resort to being overly obedient, motivated by wanting to make his owner happy and avoid punishment, ultimately leading to the suppression of his own needs.

Breaking the cycle

Spot’s journey from confident obedience to anxious hesitation highlights the impact that inconsistent and unpredictable responses from caregivers can have on shaping behaviour. As this dynamic is carried into adulthood, this can lead to frustration and a weakened sense of self, as decisions and actions are now motivated by others’ happiness and need for external validation.

One of our goals at Another Path (Ottawa Psychotherapy Clinic) is to facilitate the exploration of how early life experiences shape current behaviour, helping individuals develop healthy coping mechanisms. If you recognize any of these traits in yourself, consider reaching out.

Together, we can work to break the cycle and foster a more resilient and authentic sense of self.